


Friends Like These

by Monroe_Happens



Category: Cable and Deadpool, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Gen, Humor, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-01
Updated: 2016-09-18
Packaged: 2018-08-12 07:19:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7925668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monroe_Happens/pseuds/Monroe_Happens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With friends like these, who needs an enemy?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ow

I'll age Ellie to be in her late teens or early 20s for this, because. I don't know, I just always see Hope and Ellie going on weird adventures as Ellie is the straight man to Hope's playfulness. Hope absorbed powers of villains to get the Avengers to fight so she could hang out with Cable, she needs a calm soul like Ellie. anyway, enough on that.

* * *

“Okay, okay. I got one. For a million dollars. You’d get the money, but you have to date Hitler for a whole year.”

It was Thursday night. Thursday was film day. Hope and Ellie were walking towards their favorite theatre while playing one of their favorite games.

“Power Hitler or failing out of art school, no one will hug me, Hitler?” Ellie couldn’t just date any Hitler.

Hope hadn’t thought of this. Hm. Well, played, Ellie, well played.

“Power Hitler.” Hope said finally, after some thought

“If it’s him at height of his power, totally. I need money.” She shrugged.

Both laughed.

“Me too.”

“For a million dollars, but your hands turn into random objects for an hour twice a day. Could be anything from a hammer to a sponge to sex toys,”

“My hands? Both?” Hope bit her lip.

“Both. Twice a day for an hour--random objects.” Ellie wiggles her fingers.

“I guess. Wait. No. Knives!” Hope mimics chopping, her face in horror. The thoughts! How could she use the bathroom?

“You’d get to be Logan for an hour.”  Ellie suggested.

“But not as hands!” Hope really couldn't get the bathroom thought out of her head.

“Kind of the same.”

“Do I get a healing factor?”

“No.”

“Oh, come on.”

“Fine. You get Spider-Pet’s.”

Hope scoffed.

“He heals, what? One and a half times faster than a person? Oh, gee. What a healing factor!”

“Still, he heals faster than normal. He just can’t regrow things like Logan or Dad.”

“He shouldn’t call it a healing factor. Just, I have accelerated healing.”

“We talk about him a lot.”

“Who?”

“Spider-Pet.”

“I guess. I mean, I respect him. Avenger ahoy!” Hope jumped into her Avenger Pose, or at least that’s what she calls it.

Ellie stops walking and grabs Hope.

“We need to settle that.”

“Our accounts?”

“Meep or arachnads.”

"Telling you, a kick to the bits and he's all, " my arachnads," Hope pretends to hold herself for good dramatics.

"And I say, that's not in his character. He's a meeper."

“Well, if he’s ever in the neighborhood.”

Ellie physically directed Hope’s head to face a corner.

“I guess we could test the theory.”

“Well?”

Spider-Man was alone. He was dusting something off of him. He seemed rather animated. Like, he was bothered by something or someone.

“Hey.” Hope and Ellie waved.

“Uh, hi.”

Hope looked at Ellie, who just nodded. Hope looked at the ground then to Spider-Man and then back to the ground.

“So, like. I really respect you.” Hope started. She really did, honest.

“Thanks.”

“Like, I really do. I play as you in Verses sometimes. Maybe all the time, who counts?”

“She does.”

“We have a podcast. Verses.”

“Check us out. She’s usually you.”

“I don’t know what that means. I don’t know if I want to know--how about you just don’t tell me. Do I have anything else on me?”

He walked around in a circle. There was a note. More of a statement of ownership, really.

“No.” Hope _could_ contain her laughter.

“You’re good.” Ellie knew how human relationships worked and that was _not_ how they worked.

“Thanks. It’s been a _weird_ night.” He sighed in relief. His guard was down. Hope saw her chance. She felt bad, but she had to know.

“Look. Spidey. This means nothing.”

“Huh?”

“Oh my god!” Ellie screamed. She pointed frantically at something behind him.

“He just killed that guy!” She continued. Her screaming and pointing increased octaves.

“You promised you weren’t going to kill anyone else!” Spider-Man screeched.

Spidey started to turn to where she pointed and Hope used that as an advantage and hoped he was distracted enough for his spider sense to not kick in as she kicked him in the groin.

Aaaaand Spider-Man go down.

It wasn’t so much words as sounds and hisses and breathing.

“Oh. Neither of us were right.”

Ellie felt bad.

Hope felt worse.

“Ellie. We just attacked an Avenger.”

“ _We_?”

Panic setting in and taking over, Hope used her flight or fight brain and came up with a plan to save face. It went as such:

Hope leaned by his side and whispered.

“Deadpool told me to do this. Something about indirect foreplay. Audience participation.” Hope runs.

“Hope!”

Ellie then takes her turn.

“Nathan Summers paid us. He’s the jealous type. ”

Ellie then runs after Hope.


	2. "I do not man crush"

“Do you want me to ask for his autograph?”

“That won’t be necessary.”

“Are you sure? I have no problem asking.”

“I’m sure.”

“I think you want me to.”

“”I’m fine without it.”

“I’ll ask.”

Irene moved from her position at the table and followed Steve Rogers to the door. Nathan pulled her back.

“No. Really.”

“You’re so easy to tease, Nate. You know that?”

He sighs and she smiles.

“There’s nothing wrong with liking Steve Rogers. In fact, as far as man crushing goes, he's probably a top contender and you’re least offensive one.”

He made a strange squeaking sound from his throat.

“I do not . .  man crush.”

“Oh? Because you were practically drooling. When he spoke, you gave him the doe eyes.”

“I don’t know what that means and I did not give him any unusual kind of eye.”

“You were eye banging him.”

Nate coughed nervously.

“I was not.”

“What color are his eyes?”

“Excuse me?”

“What color are _my_ eyes?”

“Blue?”

Irene threw her pen across the room. It hit Cap in the back and bounced off and landed on the floor. He looked over. Irene waved and put on her, “Oh, did I do that, how silly of me,” face and smiled impishly.

“I’m sorry Steve, can you hand me my pen?”

Steve smiles back, bends down and picks up the pen. He walks over and hands over the pen to Irene.

“Here you go.”

Irene leans forward, places her hands over his as she takes the pen back.

“You know Steve, Nate here is an excellent chef.”

“Irene--”

“Oh? I assumed all the wildlife was dead in the future and Nate ate rocks.”

Nathan really wanted to reply with something witty and have a banter, but he was having difficulty with words, seeing as his hero was mere feet from him. So instead he just made a grunting sound.

“Oh, yes. He cooks for all the staff on Tuesdays. I know, why don’t you and the Avengers join us for dinner? Nathan’s treat. Providence isn’t a threat, Steve. Let us show you what we really stand for.”

“With dinner?”

“It’s not an uncommon practice.”

“You know, I’ll take you up on that.”

“Excellent! It’s settled then. Why don’t you come around seven? We could have drinks first.”

“Looking forward to it.”’

Steve took his leave after that. Irene was rather pleased with herself.

“Irene, I do not cook.”

“I know.”

“You just invited my _hero_ and _all_ of the Avengers to dinner where I have to cook for them.”

“I know, I was there.”

“This dinner--

“Will probably be one of the most _important_ events for you and Providence socially and politically.”

“Yes.”

“You should probably start looking up recipes.”

“What if I accidentally poison him?”

“Don’t poison Captain America.”

He could see it now, SHEILD invading and arresting him for the poisoning of Captain America. The X-Men being disbanded and just, oh god. Tony Stark making money off of the bits of Providence’s future tech. Or worse, that insect Norman Osborn.

“What did I do to you?”

He was waiting for her to cackle. If she had a cat, it would be stroked.

“You? Nothing. Now excuse me, I have to go decorpse my office.”

“What?”

“I didn’t stutter.”

“Why do you have corpses in your office?”

Irene stared at him. He started back. Her gaze intensified. Eyes narrowed. Finally it dawned on him.

“Wade.”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“He said it was a gift.He noticed that I admired art. He arranged them to look like they were recreating a scene from a film he liked. I use the term “film”, very loosely.”

“Irene  I--”

“Have fun cooking. If you kill Steve, Providence will fall. No pressure.”

Right. No pressure at all. He resisted the urge to shake his fist and curse Wade’s name.


	3. We're Friends Now!

“Squirrel-Girl wants to join our team.”

Warren did not understand the sentence. Sure, those were words and most of them had made sense, but when he heard them in that arrangement only confusion follows.

“What?”

Betsy calmly repeats herself.

“Squirrel-Girl has asked to join our team. She sent us an application.” She holds out a piece of paper and hands it to him. He blinks. He still does not completely understand.

Logan made no mention of recruiting more members. Cable’s team were still being labeled as evil terrorists, so it was unlikely they were looking for new teammates

Scott still had that I do not know, you do not exist thing going.

“Who?”

He tried to rack his brain, but he could not place a face to that name.

“She’s an “avenger.”

“Like a third alternate?”

“Like, from the Great Lakes Avengers.”

“Who?”

“They just made up their claim, I think to feel special.”

“And she wants to join the X-Force?”

“She wants to join the X-Men. Any team it seems. She sent a resume to Storm and Magneto, to Hope and hers.”

“And us.”

“And us.”

Warren was not the defacto leader, so he was still unsure why Betsy was telling him this.

“What’s her deal?”

“Does it matter? She seems to have a good head on her shoulders. Her heart’s in the right place,” she pulls out her phone, types something and turns it to face Warren,” Bested Deadpool in unarmed combat.”

“She what now?”

“Defeated Deadpool in hand to hand combat.”

“She,” his mouth opened and closed, words could not finish,”

“Bested Deadpool in fisticuffs.”

”The same Deadpool, that Logan says is better at killing than him?”

“The very same.”

He grabbed her phone. He had to see to believe.

“Was he in the middle of healing? Lack of limbs?”

“All present and accounted for according the video.”

“Oh my god. She just--”

This was the best thing--the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen and he’s seen Betsy in all of her glory.

“You know, his ego has been insufferable.” Betsy had a playful glint in her eye

“Very.” He agreed.

“How many stories has he been claiming he’s in, in that weird universe of his?”

“Let’s see, he has those mercs, he did a thing with Cable again.”

“He’s stalking Spider-Man.”

“Says he’s the most popular hero.”

“Selling thousands.”

“It’s such a shame that none of his friends are putting him in his place.”

“We should do something about that.”

 

\--

 

He wasn’t sure who did it first, where they found the video or why they did it, but there it was. In the middle of Times Square. If there was a screen that could and had played videos or images, they were now replaced with a loop of Squirrel-Girl fighting off and besting Deadpool.

So, Times Square was out.

He tried to ignore it. Really. He could be cool about it.

He received texts about it.

Warren and Betsy came clean.

A joke, they said!

This freaking video. A clip really.

It was thirty seconds. It was on all the media outlets. In the papers, periodicals, shows he hated, shows he openly hated but secretly loved. Reality stars were mocking him. They weren’t even people!

Spider-Man was laughing at him. Of all the nerve!

“She-she!” He couldn’t finish his sentence. He doubled over in laughter. Not cool.

“Squirrel!”

He started to choke.

Good.

“You should change your name to Bullwinkle!”

That was it.

He was about to shoot his face off, when he remembers: He likes his new toy. So he placed the gun back in his holster.

He could really use some support here you know?

“You know why they did this don’t you?”

Nathan always had that wise sage way about him, so when Deadpool needed wisdom he came to Nate.

“They want me to kill them.”

“No. Think about it, Wade. If you were just some guy, would they waste their time?”

“It’s because it’s me, right? The annoying loud mouth psycho. Look at this here other stupid and--”

"Congratulations, Wade. You’ve made it. You’re an X-Man.” Nathan raised his glass. Deadpool tilted his head, still not getting it.

“Betsy and Warren wouldn’t waste their time on a prank of this scale for just some random half maybe, teammate. You _are_ a brother in arms, their _friend._ They _care_ about you Wade.”

“They care? About me?”

Nathan nodded.

Deadpool’s energy returned in full force.

“Thanks, babe! I’m gonna go amongst ‘em. Can’t keep the fans waiting!” He jumped to his feet and jumped out the window.

Nathan slowly took a sip from his glass.

“He’s going to try to sleep with them, isn’t he?”

He shook his head, mildly amused.


	4. Gwen Likes to Goad

Miles didn’t know it would be a _thing_ if he invited Gwen to patrol. She was kind of a hero-ish person. His friend. Someone who understood what it was like to be from another universe and have that place either gone or out of reach.

“Doc had to pull myself from that place. I no longer exist _there_ so I can exist _here_.” She said. She always tries to lighten the mood with jokes, but when she talks about where’s from, it’s somber. Serious. She’s vulnerable. A person.

Miles like her when she allows herself to be more of a person. That’s why he stays close, remains friends. She’s also fun.

“That guy is going to get mugged.” Gwen points. Miles follows her gesture and nods.

“His shoes.” He says. He can hear Peter disapprove in the background.

“He’s totally playing Pokemon Go.”

“That needs to be shut down.” Miles does not approve of the new craze.

“I like the first movie.” Gwen shrugs. She doesn’t really care about it.

Gwen rummages through her bag and pulls out chips. She offers to Miles, he takes. Peter denies and ignores her. Gwen feels her cheeks turn red and tries to lighten the mood.

“These chips are terrible.” She eats a handful.

“They’re on the cusp of being stale.” Miles also eats a handful.

“It’s like I can taste the aging. I want to eat _my_ emotions. Not my food’s.”

They both continue to munch on the terribly sad aging chips.

“Did you finish the math assignment.”

“I did, but I didn’t bring it.” Miles leans forward, he waits, sighs and slumps. No action. He takes a sad handful of munchies.

“Curse you! I wanted to copy off of it.”

“Sorry.”

“Miles.” Peter does not approve. Miles feels his cheeks turn red and he sits up straighter.

“What do you think Cthulhu takes like?”

“Probably a lot like the Kraken.”

“They taste like?”

“Brine and sadness.”

Peter groans. He doesn’t know why he agreed to this.

Miles and Gwen squirm and are quiet for a moment. Patrol was supposed to be serious. They always talked like this though, when it was just them. Were they doing it wrong?

“Do you remember when we watched the movie “The Room”?

Miles crinkles his nose and scoffs.

“That film is the worst. That kid is is creepy.”

“Totally creepifying. It’s playing tonight. Wanna go after this?”

“Yes.” Miles does not hesitate.

“You just said you didn’t like the movie.” Peter cannot help himself.

“I like that it’s bad. But not like, great bad good, but kinda.” He makes the so-so hand gesture.

“That makes no sense, Miles.”

Miles shoulders slump again. Gwen loves Spider-Man, but this is starting to tick her off. Miles is too freaking adorable to have to contain and apologize for himself.

“Aren’t you being stalked?” Gwen says rather snappishly. She narrows her eyes and points her finger accusingly.

“What?”

“Gwen.” Miles tries to keep the peace.

“If we’re cramping your style, go get stalked!” She shoos at him. Peter doesn’t move. Gwen stands up.

“YO! _Deathstroke_! Got your free Spider-Man here!” Gwen shouts. Miles tugs at her. This cannot be happening.

“C’mon _Slade_! Aren’t you tired of being abandoned by the same person! Here! Get judged even harder by someone who is pretty much a sane version of you!”

“Why are you trying to piss _him_ off!?” Miles is horrified.

“Because I’m cranky you’re sad!” She crosses her arms.

“I’m not sad. I’m nervous. Please stop goading Deadpool. He kinda scares me, like a lot.”

“Fine! Ungoaded!” She throws her arms in the air before she sits down stubbornly crossing her arms and pouting angrily.

Peter left, neither had noticed. It didn’t matter. Miles sits next to his friend.

“You’re cool, Miles. You shouldn’t have to feel weird or judged. Everyone from my world loves you and if they don’t, they’re racist. Just kidding.”

Miles always had Ganke to have his back, but it feel good, like freaking great, to have someone like Gwen to be almost aggressively protective about it.

However, he could do without provoking the scary psychopaths.

“If Deadpool heard you.”

Both Miles and Gwen look around.

“We should book it.”  
They wordlessly agree and they abandon the spot.


End file.
